How To Get Your Ex Back

Love eCards

2006-05-04T20:26:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone, check it out!!!!! I FINALLY just created a series of brand new LOVE ecards on my website. Now, I am not that good with code and php and I worked for a solid month trying to get this up and running but I finally did it and it actually works! Anyways...they are free so go check them out. There is no sign up either, just pick a card and send it. (I hate it when you have to sign up!)

Love Dreams

2005-12-29T20:42:00.000-08:00

Everyone has dreams, even the people who say they never remember their dreams. Dreams are conjured throughout the sleep cycle however there is a certain amount of memory erasure which occurs as the sleep cycle occurs which is why it is hard to remember dreams in general. Your strongest and most vivid dreams occur in the Rapid Eye Movement (REM) cycle which occurs near the end of your sleep cycle, and these are the dreams you are apt to remember. When the alarm goes off or you wake up in the middle of your REM without the normal transition from REM to the final Delta cycle and then to natural waking, you are bound to have some recall of the dreams you were just experiencing.

Dreams are usually a reflection of your emotions and the result of the feelings you were experiencing the day before. Most dreams make absolutely no sense, but if you try to gather some of the basic feelings within those dreams, you might be able to understand them better. Dreams of love, sex or anger within a relationship can help you to understand what is going on in your life. Conversely, if you already have acknowledged your feelings in your daily ongoings, then you will understand why you dream what you dream. Some doctors also believe that your dreams are a way of expressing emotion which you may have bottled up if you tend to not express the way they feel to others easily. With this in mind, dreams can be a natural outlet for your emotional needs.

To dream of love or of being in love suggests that you are very happy in your current relationship. Your life is a bed of roses and you couldn't be happier, you are even gushing in your dreams. However, it could also mean that you are not getting enough of that loving attention you so desire. You crave that love so much, and think of it so often, that it is only natural for you to dream about it. You might also dream about your lover or spouse. Usually this indicates a good amount of self worth and acknowledgment of your union together and your mutual dependency. Dreaming about your ex-lover is common and very often occurs at the onset of a new relationship. It simply brings to the surface any apprehension and hurt stemming from that old relationship which you fear may occur again. Another common dream is the one about your crush. You might be dreaming that this particular person is desperately in love with you. Naturally, this is because you have a one track mind and your constant preoccupation with your beloved has leaked into your dreams. However, if you dream that this person hates you or is angry with you, this just shows you how much you fear being hurt. This dream also reveals your insecurities.

Affection in dreams is common. Just as with love, if you are dreaming about giving or receiving affection, you might be simply expressing your contentment in your waking life. If you are in a very happy relationship, dreams of affection can fill your night. Conversely, you might not be getting enough affection and your constant cravings have begun infiltrating your dreams. To dream of hugging someone truly represents your caring nature, the way you take care of and hold someone. Kissing is usually a good dream and again signifies your emotional happiness. But have you ever had that annoying dream when the dream ends right before you kiss someone? This dream usually means that you are unsure of the relationship, its direction and/or its stability. If you have dreamed about kissing your friend's lover, don't worry. This does not mean you have deep and unseen feelings for this person, it merely represents your desire to be in a relationship. Touching someone in your dream can mean that you are trying to communicate with that person or it could represent your deep emotional bonds with that person.

Most people have had some pretty bizarre sexual dreams but most of them are also common. For instance, did you know that an expectant father often dreams of homosexual encounters? That is what the experts say. To dream that you are a homosexual when you are not actually denotes your love for yourself and your acceptance of all parts of your life. A very common dream for people is the dream of making love outdoors and in public. This dream speaks about some sexual issue in your life which needs to be addressed. You might be feeling shame or comfortableness in that area. Oral sex can be a fun dream. Whether you are giving or receiving, this dream simply signifies that you enjoy the giving or receiving. Regular sexual dreams are often a way for your body to tell you that you are not getting enough of that loving feeling, but you probably knew that already. To dream about sex with someone other than your significant other might mean there is some dissatisfaction with your sex life, but usually it is just a harmless and common fantasy so don't worry. Having sex with your ex in a dream is also common, especially before taking a big new step in a relationship. This dream represents your feelings of anxiety in the new relationship and maybe even a little fear of experiencing the same emotional pain that an ex caused you.

We all go through tough times especially in relationships. When you are having relationship and emotional problems you can expect some pretty intense dreams. And they all are a way to breathe emotionally and express some feelings that you have trouble voicing. Common dreams during such times are dreams of separation which suggest a fear of separation, dreams of quarreling which suggest difficult issues that you are unable to get your mate to understand, dreams of severe fighting which represent deep emotional turmoil, and dreams of divorce which symbolize the fear of your relationship breaking apart. Crying in your dreams may also be frequent. To cry in your dreams and have no one hear you cry is a dream which shows how helpless you feel. Very often, you might even wake yourself up crying because the emotions are so strong.

Most people only remember bits and pieces of their dreams but these small fragments offer a glimpse into our emotional lives. Try keeping a small pad and pen by your bed and start writing about your dream as soon as you wake up if you can. You can try to understand the dreams yourself by trying to relate to the mood and emotions you were experiencing in the dream or you can read up on that dream using dream dictionaries online and in books. Dream interpretation is a clever tool for emotional and relationship self help.

Stop Posting Spam Here

2005-12-01T19:08:00.000-08:00

Do you think that title will work? Okay, someone had the bright idea of inventing some software that will leave auto generated messages on random blogs. How rediculous is that? This is so rediculous because it will eventually lead to people closing the doors for people to leave responses. Just check out the post from about two postings ago and read the spam comments! This is crazy! I am still going to leave the comments section open just so you can all see the spam pile up.

How To Break Up

2005-12-01T18:53:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

When it comes to dating, I'm a bit of a late bloomer, as I did not have a serious girlfriend until I was 19. So it logically follows that I'm also a bit inexperienced when it comes to breaking up with women. I've broken up with two girlfriends, and I tried to be gentle and diplomatic each time, but things did not go as smoothly as I would have liked. I considered both girls to be level headed, mature women, and not emotionally unbalanced in any way. My first girlfriend became very tearful and depressed, and said she felt like a huge loser. I of course consoled her, but I still felt badly that she took it that way. The second breakup was more of a shocker. We were at a coffee shop that we used to hang out at a lot. For most of the conversation, she seemed very much in agreement with what I had to say. Then, when I led up to the part that it was probably best we go our separate ways, her demeanor changed completely. She seemed very much insulted, and told me that she wished me the best of luck in finding someone who was more suitable. Then she slapped my face and walked out. Everyone looked over, and it was embarrassing to say the least. Are these the standard types of reactions that I can expect, or does it appear that I'm doing something terribly wrong?

Sincerely,
Heartbreaker
Gambier, Ohio

Dear Heartbreaker,

I would have to say that you are not doing anything wrong. Wrong would be leaving her a message on her voicemail and then never speaking her again. Wrong would be sending a “breakup” email and let her read it while she is at working leading to a terribly emotional day at the office. Wrong would be doing it over the phone instead of in person. The style and manner in which you dealt your final blow was perfect. You sat down with both of them, explained your feelings and then calmly stated your resolution. No, you did not do anything wrong but yes, this is a standard type of reaction you can expect. Every woman is different and it all depends on how they handle rejection.

The only problem you have is your inability to sympathize with their feelings. You must try to be a little more empathetic, that is...try and understand what rejection feels like without having dealt with it yourself. However, this will be a little difficult to do until you actually understand how it feels to be dumped when you get dumped yourself. Right now I bet hundreds of men and women are reading this email and secretly hope that you get dumped soon only because most have all been on the other side of the fence...and they all hold contempt for that person who rejected them.

As you have said, you are inexperienced in these matters. Trust me the day will come when you begin to fall for a wonderful woman, and then she will cut you loose when you least expect it. It happens to everyone my dear. Then you will be able able to look back on these women and understand why they acted so strange. Even if it seemed like you both felt the same way and it didn't seem to be working out, the one who gets the boot is the one who gets hurt. They also say that the one who breaks up first....wins.

For most people, dealing with rejection is very difficult. It is a major blow to the ego and to protect that ego, people have different ways of dealing with it. A lot of people lash out. The anger gives them a physical way to defend their ego and the attack feels good and and gratifying. Some people cry and become depressed right away which can get worse over time. They are actively searching for someone (namely the person who rejected them) to comfort them and make them feel better. When this does not happen, the depression becomes worse. Most people experience a combination of many different ways to handle rejection. It is like a roller coaster of emotions and there are many steps that someone goes through very much akin to the steps of grief. Also, some people say that men and women handle rejection differently. I disagree because it makes that statement is misleading. It depends solely on the person.

So don't worry my little heartbreaking stud. Have no doubt in your mind that you did everything properly. Also please realize that you probably have not experienced your worst break up yet. Just wait until you break up with that little psychotic bitch disguised as a sweet young girl. Expect everything from being stalked, having your email broken into, having your tires slashed, finding terrible rumors flying all about you and your impotency problem and having every new girlfriend afterwards terrorized. Just a friendly warning.

Sincerely,
Diva Rebecca

Men in Abusive Relationships

2005-10-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have a friend that is involved in a verbal and physically abusive relationship. He wants to get out and then file for divorce but financially he is unable to. Is there programs out there that can help him like there is for women. He says he might be able to move out by the end of this year but I am afraid that she will turn violent and start throwing more things at him such as a wine bottle she threw at his head which thankfully missed. Please let me know what can be done for him. Thank you for your help on this matter.

Sincerely,
Worried Friend

Dear Troubled Friend,

What a great question. I think this is the first time I have received an email regarding a man in an abusive relationship. And it is interesting that you, his female friend, is the person who has emailed me with the request. Most men in his position have a hard time verbalizing that they are being abused. It might make a man feel weak or belittled to admit that his woman is abusing him physically and/or verbally. And this presents an even bigger problem because it will prevent this man from seeking help because he is too embarrassed to talk about it.

The whole stigma of a man in an abusive relationship is a shame. People tend to assume that just because women are generally smaller and weaker than a man that she would be unable to inflict pain or cause harm to a man, and that any man should easily be able to defend himself against his wife or girlfriend. However, here lies one of the major problems. If a woman is being physically abusive, there is not much the man can do besides leave. He can not defend himself with force. If he defends himself by hitting back, he immediately puts himself in the guilty position. Everyone would assume that he is the aggressor. How dare he hit a woman, someone who was smaller (even if she was wielding a butcher's knife). Next, even if the only thing a man could do was to defend himself by using his own physical strength, not many men would be willing to do so. Most men would never be able to bring themselves to harm a woman, even if she is a psychotic bitch with fireballs shooting out of her eyes. And if the police showed up to quell a domestic problem, even if the entire time she was the aggressor, you know who is going to jail, right? She might be off to jail as well, but if the man does something as simple as trying to restrain his girl who is physically abusing him, the act of holding her down will instantly send him to jail. It is a sad truth that many men deal with on a daily basis.

What your friend needs to do is leave and leave immediately. He should do so when his wife is not in the house. During a physically abusive relationship, violence is always escalated when the abused party is trying to leave. This is because "leaving" will break that little idea of "control" which the abuser thinks she has on the situation. The minute she knows he is trying to leave is the very same minute she will blow. And this is when he does not want to be in the house. In most instances when a woman is killed by her abusive male partner, it is when she is trying to leave. I would imagine the same goes for men in abusive relationship, however, this information should be used to demonstrate how critical it is that your friend leaves when his wife is not around.

The next thing he needs to do is document every single instance of abuse. Every time he speaks with his wife he should tape record it, file police reports if he needs to about specific abusive acts, ask friends to be witnesses if they have ever seen an instance of abuse and he should hire a lawyer. He also needs to file a restraining order citing abuse. He needs to be the first one to do this. If he files for this restraining order right away, it will put the law on his side very quickly.
Unfortunately, there are very few resources available for men in abusive relationships. One of the best ones on the net is http://www.safe4all.org/ This is a free organization where he can find help for men, from men, about being in an abusive relationship. I wish him the very best of luck.

Sincerely,
Diva Rebecca

Stop Nagging!

2005-10-17T09:02:00.000-07:00

One of the predominant reasons for the demise of a relationship is nagging. We all know what “nagging” is and we have all been either the nagger or the recipient of hard core nagging at one time or another. Usually thought of as a feminine trait that only women are supposed to do, men also have the ability to badger beyond belief. Most people who nag their partners don't even realize they are doing it. The only thing which incessant nagging will do is push that special person away. This is always the exact opposite of its intent.

The prevailing reason why most people harass their lovers is because they don't feel like they are getting the response or attention they should be getting. Someone might nag about household chores, getting a new job, quitting smoking, not staying out late, financial issues and more. But saying the same thing over and over and over again is nagging. Even if you find new ways to state your demands, you are still saying the same thing and the object of your affections is still being and feeling nagged. The nagger wants a certain response and usually feels as if the other person is just not listening, so the nagger NAGS some more. Meanwhile, the person getting the heaping piles of orders, demands and nagging comments is getting pushed away. He or she will just end up walking away, ignoring the nagger even more and causing a great big fat circle that will not end until he or she ends the relationship.

I knew this one girl a few years ago who I befriended because we ended up being in the same circle of friends. She was a fun girl, a likable character and absolutely gorgeous But she always had a tough time keeping a guy. Here is a great example of “why”. She was dating this man for a while. He was quite a catch and considered one of the most eligible bachelors in Houston. He was charming, handsome, well established, cultured and financially well endowed. This girl, whom I shall call Kiki, was about to turn thirty. For her birthday Kiki's paramour told her that he was taking Kiki to a mutual friend's house for dinner and drinks. Unbeknownst to her, he had invited about 100 people for a surprise party and he was carrying a diamond ring in his pocket to “Pop the Big One” that very evening. During the car ride over to her secret surprise party Kiki let loose on her boyfriend. She told him over and over that she could not believe all he was doing for her 30th birthday was taking her to dinner with friends. She nagged him terribly, even yelled at him, during the 40 minute ride. Needless to say, she apologized when she discovered all of her closest friends and family waiting for her. A surprise which he so thoughtfully arranged. Kiki never saw a diamond ring that night. He never even told Kiki about the ring. The next day he returned the ring and broke it off with Kiki. To this day she has no idea that he was about to propose and that he broke it off with her because of her childish nagging. I still don't have the heart to tell her.

Although I do adore this woman with all my heart, I will say he did the right thing. I think most people out there would not dare to be so rude and act disappointed with your lover's gift making him or her feel badly. This was an extreme case of aggressive nagging. It was done only to make him feel bad because she felt neglected. There are a lot of men and women who act like this. If you nag and treat your new romance in this manner, it won't last. Nagging will never get you what you want. I will say it again: nagging only pushes people away.

If you feel like you might be nagging your lover to death you might want to think about why you are doing this. You might even want to seek counseling. If you love your significant other and you want to keep your relationship intact, you must realize the negative impact that nagging will create. The unnecessary stress will eventually push your mate towards breaking up, divorce or straight into someone else's arms. If you feel that you are not getting the consideration or feedback you desire, you can get that attention back when you stop the pestering. You will stop pushing that person away and he or she might actually start to give you the response you wanted all on his or her own.

If you are the person being nagged you might feel like there is nothing you can do. I don't want to tell you to bite your tongue, that will only cause anger to rage inside of you. If you get nagged enough without saying a word, you could eventually blow up. Instead of saying nothing, remember why this person is nagging you: he or she is not getting the response from you which is needed to quell the nagging. If you want it to stop, think of a way that will appease this person. If he or she is nagging you, tell your lover that he or she is right and you will do “something” to resolve the situation. This will quickly put a lid on the nagging, for the moment anyways. And only try to calm these situations if this is a relationship you are willing to keep and work for. If the nagging turns to verbal and/or emotional abuse, it may be high time to start walking.

Love Spells

2005-10-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

Check out these love spells!! There are hundreds of love spells here for committment, to return a lost lover, to get him or her back, to increase him or her love for you and so much more! I think this is the greatest love spell site there is..... check it out at Red Magick Love Spells! You will adore this site.

How to win him back

2005-07-24T00:40:00.000-07:00

How to win him back: Did you lose your boyfriend? Learn how to get him back at www.advicediva.com and let the Diva show you how to do it successfully.

I want my boyfriend back

2005-07-24T00:35:00.000-07:00

I want my boyfriend back: Did you and your boyfriend break up? Learn how to get that special man back into your life with tips and advice from www.advicediva.com Learn from the Diva!

Get Back Together

2005-07-24T00:30:00.000-07:00

Get back together: If you are looking to getting back together with your ex, let the Diva show you how to win that ex back at www.advicediva.com! Let the Diva teach you!

How To Get Back Together

2005-07-24T00:26:00.000-07:00

How to get back together? Are you looking to get back together with your sweetie? Learn how to get your ex back at www.advicediva.com Let the Diva show you how!

How To Get My Girlfriend Back

2005-07-24T00:21:00.000-07:00

Want your girlfriend back? Let the Diva show you how at www.advicediva.com!
Learn how to turn that breakup around.

Mirror Under The Bed

2005-07-19T18:00:00.000-07:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My friend recently came to visit me in New York and he noticed all of the clutter underneath my bed. You need every inch of space you can find in a small New York City apartment. He told me that I need to clear everything out from underneath my bed and place a good sized mirror face up under the bed. He said this this will reflect my good feelings and well being back onto me while I sleep, and it may help in my love life. Is there any truth to this?

Sincerely,

Superstitious, New York City, New York

Dear Superstitious,

Scientific truth? No. There is no evidence that can be scientifically gathered to support such a statement.

What your friend has told you is a variation of a Feng Shui belief. Feng Shui is an ancient Chinese belief system that uses certain objects and strategic placement to enhance the quality of the believer's life. Feng Shui has recently made quite a come back in the Western world. There are plenty of people who swear by its powers.

I have not heard of using a mirror to reflect good feelings back onto you while you sleep. I have heard that people will place a mirror face up underneath their bed to help battle insomnia. The reasoning is that the mirror will draw the bed down towards the mirror and allow the insomniac to be pulled into sleep. Another variation of the mirror under the bed is to place it face down to protect against evil spirits while you sleep.

A major point in Feng Shui is to clear out the clutter in your life by clearing our the clutter in your house. That is what may have prompted your friend to tell you to clear out the mess under your bed. In Feng Shui, the extra clutter underneath your bed could have a negative impact on your life. For example, if you clean it out it will allow you to have more room in your life...perhaps enough room for a certain new love interest.

In the end I think that the power of belief can have the best results. Feng Shui is a belief system, just like superstition, like religion and so on. But if you do something like place a mirror under your bed and believe it will make your love life sizzle, then you will wake up feeling a little sassier than usual. If you think it is going to happen, you can make it happen. Mind over matter.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Won't Let Me Call

2005-04-03T10:17:00.000-07:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating this guy for about 3 months. In the beginning, he allowed me to call him everyday, but then he started putting restrictions on when I could call such as do not call him after 8:30 he is sleeping, do not call during favorite tv show, do not call when I have company, and do not call at any point during the hours 7 to 5 he is working. I was okay with these restrictions because I thought they were reasonable. We continued to have dates twice a week and have sex more than that. Things were fine for a while until the other Sunday. I had called him that morning, and he told me he was not feeling good and would call me later. By 7:45 that evening, he still had not called, so I made the mistake in calling him. His housekeeper/nanny for his child answers the phone, and she told me that she would tell him that I called. I did not know she would go and wake him up to tell him this. When Monday evening rolled around, I still had not heard from him. I knew he had to go to court again today (custody issues), so I called him. The witch answers the phone again, says he is out. After he did not return my calls and did not meet me for the usual lunch date, I began to suspect something was wrong. Especially after I tried to call him to find out why he bailed out on me and that woman answers the phone only to tell me not to call back. I began to wonder what had happened. He calls me the next morning, only to say that he was furious at me and did not want to speak to me because I called him when he said that he would call me; I was so much in shock all I could do was hang up the phone. However, later I was so angry with myself for not expressing my own feelings to him that I wrote him a letter telling him exactly how I felt: hurt, confused, and angry. For two days afterwards, we did not speak to each other, and we avoided each other. That is until one afternoon I broke down and called him. He was still angry at me but was willing to talk. He said that my calling him everyday was getting to him and he wanted some space. I was told the his restrictions were so that he could have that breathing room; however, it still was not enough. He told me that I was obsessive in calling him once a day, and he asked me to stop it. He said that if I wanted to go and find someone else how would tolerate this, I was welcome to; however, he did not want me to but would not hold me back. After assuring me that while he was angry, he still liked me, he ended the call by saying that he would call me when he was ready to pick things back up.

Sincerely,

Phone Tag,

Dear Phone Tag,

This email made me so angry. I seriously wanted to jump through my computer via some space-time continuum portal and arrive at your manjerk's computer only to dive on top of him and squeeze his head to death with my super strong thighs. Of course I would be wearing a Xena outfit as well. The mental images I was creating, of his demise, were truly gratifying. I can almost picture him too. Is this guy a man who always wears the same suits, perfectly pressed, never has a wrinkle in his shirts and never has one hair out of place? This guy probably needs an enema, he is way too frigid and uptight in my mind. Okay, Okay, I'll stop bashing on him.

I must turn my anger and wrath and bash on you a little bit. Don't worry, it won't hurt much. When he first started putting restrictions on when you could call, this should have been a red flag to you. At first he was "allowing" you to call whenever you wanted (please note the use of your word "allowed") and then he began telling you when not to call. This is simply outrageous. If you have a relationship with some guy, you should be free to call whenever you want. In a happy relationship, your man would be overjoyed to hear from you at any time. Now if you had been calling 18 times a day and leaving several messages on his machine, that would be excessive. But you were not doing that. This guy just started to limit your phone calls because he is an asshole. Either 1) He is in a serious relationship and he does not want to get caught or 2) He is just keeping you around for sex. Either way, this man does not want a serious relationship with you. He is only using you. How can you not see this?

And then he tries to make you feel bad and tells you that you may start dating other people and see if they would like your calling habits. Hunny, he is manipulating you. Of course another guy would love to have you call. Another guy who is into you, that is. This man is trying to make you think that you are wrong and that what you are doing is wrong. You are only acting like a completely normal person in a warped relationship. He is the one who is not normal. Please don't believe a word he says.

Now, I want you to do me a favor. Send this email to the spaz for me, with all my love of course, and let him know that you have been awakened by the Diva. Let him know that you will never see him again, and then never speak to him again. Even if he send you an email in retaliation, do not answer. You deserve much better than this. Start dating other men and forget about this waste of life.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Don't Love Him Anymore

2005-03-16T20:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating my now husband for about 4 and a half years. He is a good man, handsome, intelligent, he is a family man and the best father to our 2 year old daughter that I can ask for. He's even very attentive and romantic. He's not perfect, he has flaws, but for the most part, he's great. We just got married on Valentine's day. My problem is, I'm not in love with him. I never really have been. He's always been like a good friend that I lived with and had sex with. Before I got pregnant, I tried to passively break it off, but to no avail. I'm the type of person who can't break a heart, so I tried to get him to break it off with me (a coward). But he was just so crazy about me and told his family that I was definitely "the one". After I got pregnant, I got irritable, and cried and begged him to leave me alone. He refused to leave his child and assumed that I was just moody because of the pregnancy. I started to tell myself that maybe it wasn't' so bad; he was a good man, good father, he had a good job, he took care of his family...but it always ate at me that I just wasn't in love. At this point, I'm with him because I think it's best for our daughter. I don't mean to sound ungrateful for this wonderful man, but I can't make myself fall in love. He deserves real love. I've already cheated on him, with my married best friend (who was also my first love), who I fell in love with all over again and am STILL in love with & even got pregnant by (I know, I know), but miscarried a month before our wedding...and he STILL married me! I don't know what to do. I'm at my wits end. He doesn't deserve the things I put him through. I just want to be happy and I want him to be happy.

Sincerely,
No Love

Dear No Love,

There is no one else who can do the dirty deed but you. No one is going to do it for you and it won't happen on its own.

First of all you are young. You got together with this guy when you were young and you just are not ready for a committed relationship. I wasn't ready until I hit 30. I also was nearly trapped into a wedding. I was not sure why I was feeling this way. I felt like I could not get married. I loved him but I was not in love with him and I was terribly worried about hurting him because I had been with him off and on for 8 years. I notoriously left him at the alter. Yes, at the alter. Well that was some drama for you. But thank God I did it. I would have never been happy. The guy was devastated and even had to go to therapy for a while. But he got over it and he is now getting married in a month to one of my very good friends. I am very happy for them. And I got to get out there, date and be happy. I am only now ready for a relationship and it happened when I met the right and perfect guy. The guy who gives me everything I want and need.

You are not going to be happy until you break it off. You need to do this for yourself. The longer you wait, the more it will end up hurting. The more he will suffer and the worse you will feel. I know it is hard to hurt someone especially when you care so much about them. But you cannot continue to suffer for the rest of your life just to appease and humor someone else. You deserve to be happy just as he does, like you said.

The only way you are going to be able to break it off with this man is by doing it the honest way. No more tricks and don't try to get him to break up with you. Tell him that you need some space and you want to move out. You have to do it. He may beg and plead but don't give in. Be sweet and gentle because he will be hurt. Make plans to move out and let him feel comfortable with it. Tell him it may only be for a little while. Tell him you need your space because you are not happy in the relationship. If he asks why, let him know that you do not have the same feelings anymore. If he asks you if you want to date other people, let him know that this is not your agenda. Besides, he does not need to know this, you are ending it with him and it is none of his business if you do want to date. There is no reason to hurt him anymore than he may be hurting. After you move out, file for divorce. You want to do this after you move out for your own safety. There are too many instances of men becoming abusive when faced with rejection and divorce papers.

Once you file for divorce you will feel an enormous weight lifted off your shoulders. Everything will be out in the open and you will be free to pursue your separation. But take my advice on one thing, don't date for a while. First of all, you are going to need this time to reconnect with your family and friends and you also need to re identify with yourself. You also do not want to hurt your chances in your divorce in case things turn ugly.

Sincerely,
Diva Rebecca

Time Issues

2005-03-10T20:52:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating a man who lives 100 miles away. We have been seeing each other for four years but seriously dating for almost two years. I enjoy his company and the things we do. Here is the problem... We are both divorced and have been for a number of years. He lives alone..my daughter lives at home. He does have children but neither of them lives near him I have friends that I do things with, he has friends but rarely spends time with them. I have a very full active life..church, grandkids, pets, etc. We do the visiting thing and try to do that at least twice a month. Recently he sent me an e-mail that listed all the people and things that are more important to me than he is.....NOT TRUE! I love this man and he says he loves me. I don't want to loose him but I can not be his everything 24-7. There has to be a happy medium! He said there is/was someone else but I have not seen any signs of that. He is calling regularly and has been to my house recently. Can this relationship be saved?

Sincerely,

Time Constraints

Dear Time,

WATCH OUT!

You are in for some trouble!

This guy likes you a whole BUT he is testing you. He wants you to drop your whole life for him. If he doesn't get what he wants, he is going to make you feel worse about it, try and manipulate you and possibly even treat you poorly (ie telling you there is someone else). At his age he should understand the responsibilities you have as an active parent and an active member in your coommunity. But he sure is not acting like he does.

There can be a happy medium, but I am not sure if it is with this guy. What you should not do is try and twist your life around for him at his calling. No, he should be able to meet you halfway. Relationships are all about compromise. But if he does not even try to understand your half of it, then how is he compromising? He is not. He wants you to make all the sacrifices.

He could perhaps be feeling a little needy. If it is as innocent as this, then take a day or two to devote entirely to him and give him lots of that positive attention he needs. Let him know how much you care about him and how important to you that he is. If he tries to bring up your time issues, do not argue with him but let him know that you will work on it because you care about him so much. This should ease his heart. Spend the day with him and pamper him a little. Maybe cook him a private dinner in candle light and a footrub. Everyone needs to feel loved and adored.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Foot In Mouth

2005-03-04T19:55:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My fiance asked me some advice on his daughters bad behavior. I told him that 2 years ago I told him if he didnt put a stop to his mothers spoiling her he would have problems and now hes having problems. He got really defensive and broke it off with me. I didnt mean no harm I love her and him and I want him back. Can this be fixed? Help me my heart is breaking.

Sincerely,

Foot In Mouth

Dear Foot in Mouth,

This is a pride issue. He wanted your opinion as long as it did not incriminate or judge him. This person probably sucks at receiving constructive criticism.

You guys have been together for a long time and the fact that he came to you with the problem in the first plave suggests that this will be an easy problem to fix. As with any hurt ego situation, you need to find a way to re-inflate his ego. First of all, send him flowers. Guys never get flowers and when they do they feel elated, they feel special. You should send them to his office so everyone will see them. If you do that, he will be so surprised. Accompany the flowers with a little letter and let him know how sorry you are and how wonderful you think he is. Also let him know what a great father you think he is. Do not include how much you want him back. Only offer your apologies and your support. He needs to hear it from you. Everyone wants to hear what a good job they are doing, they don't want to hear about their faults.

He will contact you shortly and you keep giving him that positive attention, staying away from the negative attention.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Slapped Him

2005-02-25T19:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I'm 36 and seem to be having a premature mid-life crisis I just feel very much unfulfilled in both my personal and professional life. That's disheartening at this stage in life. I always thought that by 36 I would have everything together, yet in many ways I'm still searching.

I guess this was precipitated by a recent breakup. Its not that I'm terribly heartbroken, since we only dated for 2 months, not nearly enough time to fall in love. Its just the manner in which it happened that dealt a blow to my self esteem, and really made me look inward.

I was thinking of some fun stuff in the short term, just to take my mind off of things and cheer myself up. Maybe a fashion makeover and a new wardrobe? The thing is I have tough time finding clothes to fit just right. I'm of Asian descent, so as you would expect I'm short (5"2) and petite (110 lbs) and I have long straight black hair. I'm on the busty side (34DD), so that screws things up when trying to get a perfectly fitting outfit. If something is large enough to accommodate my bust, its too big everywhere else. Yet another reason for me to get annoyed with myself. Anyway, if there are any fashion mavens out there who have any suggestions let me know. Maybe you have tips on colors I should wear, or if I should change my hair style.

By the way, to make things even more humiliating, I actually have to swallow my pride and apologize to the man who broke up with me. We were at an art gallery a few weeks ago when he decided to break the news. I guess in my old age I've just lost my patience with insensitive men and I was just so annoyed by his business-like demeanor, and the fact that he had taken me to the gallery solely for the purpose of breaking up with me. The moment got the best of me and my frustration just took over. I sarcastically thanked him for gracing me with his presence over the past 2 months, gave him a passionate goodbye kiss, and then I slapped him across the face and stormed out. In the subdued atmosphere of the art gallery, the resounding whack caught everyone's attention and undoubtedly caused him much embarrassment. I feel badly because I know it must have stung and left a red mark. I should have shown better self-restraint.

Sincerely,

Lost My Grip,
West Lafayette, Indiana

Dear Lost My Grip,

YOU ARE A DIVA!

Don't let anyone tell you less. You are a fabulous Diva holding the ranks that most women could only dream of aspiring to. Shall I tell you why?

1) You are intelligent. You have no idea how many rambling emails I get on a day to day basis. Most of them are completely incoherent, unintelligible and undecipherable with all of the bad grammar. You would think 90% of the United States population never received a proper education. (Come to think of it, that may be true). Your email to me was concise, intelligently written, articulate and interesting to read.

2) A petite Asian woman with large breasts is already halfway to HOT. (She sent me her picture and this girl is smoking!) Do you have any idea how many men would idealize you as their wet dream? You are a rarity among beautiful women everywhere. Use this to your advantage.

3) You slapped a guy in an art gallery immediately following a kiss. That is so "Sex in the City". I love it. I can picture the scenario in my mind perfectly and it makes me tingle with delight all over. Sure, he probably didn't deserve it, but it is still so delicious. Don't apologize. I think it would be much better if he was left only with the memory of this fantastic display of a woman's wrath. Apologizing later for it will detract from its grandeur.

As far as clothes go, I used to shop as some funky little shops in the China Town area of Houston (called Harwin for all you Houston readers out there). These shops would get their clothes meant for an Asian clientèle and they were so small! Normally, I would be a small size but in this store I was buying large tops. In these stores I was finding great clothes, very trendy, but they were a different cut. Much smaller. I don't know if they have any stores like this around where you are but I highly suggest checking them out.

Finally, you might be feeling the way you described because you have not had a family yet. There is something to be said about the desire to settle down and have children. It is a natural feeling in women. You could even deny these feelings exist, but the denial just leaves you questioning what is wrong with you. But don't worry, you still have plenty of time. And if you really wanted a serious guy, I should not think a Diva like you would have any problem at all.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Kissed Another Woman

2005-02-17T17:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I kissed another women while still in a 4 year long relationship. I was the asshole. Cold shoulder to her like she did something wrong! 9 months later I am beginning to realize what I am missing. She has feelings for me but maybe not the way I percieve them. I realize that I do love her and should have sealed the deal! Do I or don't I begin to patch and try to get back with the ex?

Sincerely,

Regretful

Dear Regretful,

It is never too late to try and make amends for mistakes you have made. You have already successfully made the first step, which is also the biggest. And that step is admitting to yourself what happened, admitting that you made a mistake and acknowledging that you were wrong. Bravo to you. Most people do not get this far. Now you can begin to try and patch things up with your woman.

Now, even if she does not take you back, the least she deserves is that apology and hearing from you how sorry you are. If you let her know that it was the biggest mistake of your life, you will always regret it (and so on), you have no idea how relieved and happy she will be. Even if she does not act like it, inside she will be jumping for joy. It will be her own personal retribution. The point is, she still deserves to hear this even if the outcome is not in your favor.

Another point you should know is to keep trying, keep pushing and keep groveling. The girl is not going to come back to you on the first apology (if she has any feelings of self worth anyways). She is going to make you work for it. So don't give up if she gives you the cold shoulder. Throw your pride out the window and sink to your knees. Send her flowers, love notes and serenade her outside her window. Pretty soon she will be on cloud nine and the little transgression you made will be forgotten.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Hate His Ex

2005-02-15T13:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My boyfriend and I have been together off and on for 14 months now. He has two kids from a past relationship. I also have one of my own. However, my ex isn't involved with my son and my boyfriend's ex is involved. I feel like his ex uses his kids against him. He can't see them unless he is kissing her ass and what not. I feel like maybe he still has feelings for her, but won't admit it. I love this guy and I don't want to lose him. I believe that he shouldn't be talking to his ex unless it's about the kids. I don't think that he should hang out with her, and if he does then I should be around. But, of course he will not let us be around each other at all because of past problems. We fight constantly about him talking to her. He says he will not give up his friendship with his ex for me, because he feels like it is best for his kids if they are friends. I get so jealous! There are times that I just hear her name and I want to scream! His kids come first and I completely understand that. Do you think I am selfish for feeling like he should have no contact with her unless about the kids? His ex saw him in the mall a few months back and he was looking at wedding rings. I guess he was going to propose to me before we had problems. But he didn't because she got in the way. She saw that he was looking at rings, and his friend told her about the whole proposal so she started talking to my boyfriend more and being really nice to him. Then the more she was nice to him, the bitchier I became, which caused him become distant with me. I don't know what to do.

Sincerely,

The Jealous Bitch

Dear Jealous Bitch,

Well, you have two problems here. The first is the fact that no matter what, he is going to have to have a relationship with this ex for the sake of his children. He does not want to be nagged about this. He must do it for his children and try and maintain a good and happy relationship for the children. The children need this so you need to deal with it.

Second, he does not seem to be on the same wavelength as you, at the moment. This can be changed. It bothers you that he spends time with his ex, converses with her and is friendly with her. He knows that it bothers you, yet he is not factoring your feelings into this relationship. If he really wanted to make this relationship with you work, he would be doing everything in his power to help put your feelings at ease and make you feel better about this whole scenario.

The fact that you have been getting jealous over the ex has probably pushed him away a bit. You have to understand the concept of negative attention versus positive attention. You need to start giving him more positive attention. Positive attention would be telling him how good he looks, how sexy he is, what a great Dad he is and how proud you are of him. Like his ex is doing, she is being sweet to him. Positive attention makes a person feel good about himself and he will want to stay around the person making him feel this way. Refrain from giving him any negative attention, which is what you have been giving him. Negative attention would be getting jealous over the ex, getting angry about him spending time with the ex, nagging, crying, asking him why he is doing this to you and telling him how depressed you are. Things like that. Negative attention makes a person feel bad about himself and he will want to stay far away from the person making him feel this way.

So you have fallen into the common trap. Here comes the ex being all sweet and giving him that positive attention. It drives you crazy and forces you to give him negative attention, almost pushing him into her arms. It is hard to realize you are even doing it, it is not your fault. So you must step back and realize what is going on. Try to flip the situation and you give that positive attention to him. Once you start doing this, things will start to get better, I promise. Eventually, when he starts to feel better about the relationship, he will also start treating you better (with regards to the ex).

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Limited Memory

2005-02-11T15:07:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating this guy for 1 1/2 years. I thought everything was fine, until he told me that he went to a New Year's Eve party, got drunk and woke up with his pants unzipped. He told me that he does not know what happened to him or what he did. He was crying when he told me this but ever since then he told me this he has pushed me away. He says he needs time to think. I really love this guy and thought he loved me.

Sincerely,

Cheated On

Dear Cheated On,

Let's break this one down, shall we?

You have been dating for a little while now so he knows what a real relationship is. You are in a commitment. 1 1/2 years qualifies as a long term relationship. So this man knows what is going on and he knows he has a real girlfriend. He knows the difference between right and wrong and he knows what it takes to hold down a real relationship. I am not sure of his age, or yours, but as long as you are not still in high school, he should be considered a big boy.

He went to a New Years Eve party by himself. He attended a blow out party without his significant other on a very special party date. This is the day you are supposed to be with your special love. It is tradition to ring in the new year with a toast and a kiss from your beloved. Why on earth did he not bring you? If you were available and he went alone, by guess is because he was in the mood to party with another female companion and have a night of debauchery. Some guys crave it.

He tells you that he woke up with his pants unzipped and he is not sure about what happened. He is leaving out the part about waking up covered in chocolate syrup and finding himself between two strippers. Of course he knows what happened. He knows exactly what he did and who he did it with. Don't be so naive. Even if he was completely sauced, he would be having fuzzy flashbacks about the most sinful of moments. Especially if there was anything sexual involved.

And now he is telling you that he feels pushed away. Of course he is. First, he feels guilt about what he did so he made up some lame excuse about not remembering the night and eluded to the possibility of him making a terrible mistake. GONG! RED FLAG NUMBER ONE! Then he says he wants to take a breather from the relationship. GONG! RED FLAG NUMBER TWO! He wants to be with other women. It is not that he feels pushed away. It is the fact that he wants to party, be single and play park the limousine in the garage.

I am not trying to hurt your feelings. You deserve the truth. The truth will help you get over things. Instead, he is giving you the run around which is causing you more grief and heartache. Ug.

I would just kick him in the balls. Oh, I forgot, he doesn't have any.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

The Dating Widow

2005-02-09T14:22:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My husband died three years ago and about eight months after his death I got involved with a younger man that my husband and I had known for a really long time. We saw each other all most every day and his family thought we would get married, even his two children wanted me as their mom. He ask me to marry him after five months of seeing each other but I was not ready then a few months later he started seeing a younger woman with children then another and each time a relationship would end for him he would come back to me,but now he only wants to be friends with me. I can't seem to get over him and I think about all the fun we had and how much I love him and his children. I even moved out of state hoping the distance would help but it has not and it is hard to start dating at age 57. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Widowed Lover

Dear Widowed Lover,

First of all moving out of state would never help. It would, at best, create a long distance relationship most of which are doomed. Long distance relationships have a very small chance of ever working out because people need and deserve that physical intimacy in a relationship.

I know dating at your age can be tough. The amount of people that are single and available is greatly reduced which is why it is so difficult. You should try online dating. Try Match.com or eHarmony.com These websites have a highly concentrated amount of single people your age. You won't meet this many people in a bar.

With regards to your man, you should let him know what is up. If he loved you enough to ask you to marry him, then his feelings should remain the same. He should understand why you were not ready. The death of a husband is intensly traumatic. You need time to deal with the issues at hand. As a lover, he should know and accept this. And when you tell him how you feel and explain how you are ready to try again, he should be accepting of your desires. But you do need to talk to him about them. Since you were the one who was not ready before, he probably is afraid he will get hurt somehow. You have to reassure him. Do not be afraid of his reaction, this is the biggest mistake people make. If you fear rejection too much, then you will never know. If he does reject you, oh well. At least you know and you will be much better off for getting your feelings off of your chest.

I hope I have helped.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

He Hit Me

2005-02-02T14:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been dating my ex-boyfriend/fiance for 1 year and a half. I love him so much. We recently broke up because we got into a bad argument and he punched me in the jaw. I called the police on him and left him alone. I have not seen him in 2 weeks and he has not seen me. I miss him so much though. Usually he calls me after a couple of days to apologize to me whenever we get into an argument or fight no matter if I call the police on him or not. I want to know why is he taking so long to call me? Or do you think he will ever call me. This is the same man that asked me to marry him twice, the same man that fought over me. I am confused. I really want him back. I heard he has been asking about me, but he still has not called. I am scared. I know I probably do not need to be with anyone like that but I want to. So how can I grasp his attention?

Sincerely,

Heart and Jaw Broken

Dear Broken,

I am sure that he has not contacted you for a while because he knows and realizes that what he did, hitting you, was one of the worst offenses he could ever commit towards a woman. He has not contacted you out of guilt and shame. You also called the police and they probably told him to leave you alone. He is going to leave you alone, hopefully, out of fear for doing the same thing or worse.

So you have called the police on him before and he has hit you. Does he have to almost kill you before you realize that this man is BAD? I don't care if this man has fought over you or if he has asked you to marry him. This guy is scum. And you have a problem as well. You keep letting him back in your life when he commits physical abuse. You both need to get help. He needs to get help for himself regarding his temper and violent behavior. You need to get help to learn independence, pride and you need to learn how to get out of an abusive relationship. I am NOT going to help you try and get this scumbag back because it is against my moral beliefs. You should never get back together with a guy that beats you. If anyone ever raises their hand towards you, it should be the last time they ever do that because you should always walk away.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

They Are Always On The Rebound

2005-01-31T23:27:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

Why do I most generally fall for the guy that has just broken up with his girlfriend or recently left his wife or newly divorced? I just realized that this is a pattern for me. How can I tell if he is really over his ex before I fall head over heals again? My last boyfriend had been seperated for a year and their divorce was underway when I met him. We just broke up, (okay-okay... he dumped me) after being together for ayear. We did not fight or argue, he doesnt have a reason for the break up. Why do I do this to myself? How do I stop it?

Sincerely,

Rebounder

Dear Rebounder,

I think you are only falling into a pattern of coincidence. Men that are rebounding are simply easier to date. They are vulnerable and more passive. The adore the attention they can receive from a giving woman in their time of need. But it is only a healing process. Rebounding men will go to the first set of open arms they can find, regardless if that women is the right one for them or not. That is why rebounds never last. As son as they are emotionally healed, they move on. the same goes for women.

So, bravo to you. You have been the healer for many male broken hearts. But you need more than that. The next time you are being courted by a guy who is lonely and hurting froma recent break up, push him away. Tell him that if he wants to date you, he needs to date a few other women first. For you, you probably are attracted to the broken man because he is easy to seduce. Well, there are other men out there who are not in the broken heart stage who are just as affectionate. Find out first before you fall for them. Check out the baggage before you dive in.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Should I Move On?

2005-01-28T14:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am trying to stay friends with my ex who is in a new relationship but it is very hard! I get so depressed and deep down I only want him back. He tells me he will always love me and I do love him but I feel I am still emotionally attached to him. I wish sometimes he would just set me free and then I can't stand to think of not knowing him. We shared a close relationship for 4 years and honestly I would do almost anything to get him back but what good would that do me? He does not feel the same for me any longer. Should I break the ties completely? I am trying to move on with my life-but knowing him as only a friend is so hard.

Sincerely,

Moving On

Dear Moving On,

Actually he has set you free but you are the one who is stuck. I know how hard it can be to move on. But the only one who can do that is you. you are going to have to make the moves and not contact him and move on with your life. I am sure you love him very much but he is in a new relationship now, and as a decent woman, you must respect that new relationship.

You do not ever want to be the other woman so make sure you do nothing to disrupt his relationship. A real woman never plays the part of the deranged psycho ex. I am sure you do not act this way, I am just making a point. Erase his number in your phone and get rid of his email address from your email address book. This will reduce the temptation for you to call him. If he contacts you, do not contact him back for a good long time. You need to get him out of your head.

You need to redirect your emotoins now and focus on yourself. You are focusing too much on your ex and thinking about nothing but him. This is why you are finding it difficult to move on. Start thinking about yourself and things that you want. Get your hair done, go to the spa, lose weight at the gym, get a new wardrobe and get your nails done. Don't forget those new shoes you have been eyeballing. When you start to think about yourself more, you know you are healing. You also NEED to start dating again. You have to open yourself up to new possibilities and new guys. Dating will help boost your self esteem and it will also help take your mind off of your ex. It will only take a little while before you meet that awesome new guy who will make you think, "What ex?".

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

The Diva Needs a Job

2005-01-25T22:47:00.000-08:00

The Diva is Looking for More Work!

So recently, I left my position as the Director of Operations for a large commercial real estate firm in Houston, Texas and I moved to Boston, Massachusetts. There were two big factors which compelled me to move to Boston.

First, I grew up here in one of the small towns just north of Beantown. I have always wanted to move back, even though it is a little conservative, socially speaking.

Second, I finally met my future husband and I am ready to settle down. Yes, it is true. Your eyes are perfectly fine and you read right. He is wonderful and I have known him since high school. The Diva is finally settling down.

So back to my situation. I move home and because I have no more local references, I am unable to locate a good job. I have always had AdviceDiva on the side for additional income. But, of course, it is not enough to support me alone. Most of my Advice Diva work I do for free! I have always had a full time job AND this website.

Apparently, the commercial real estate market is not doing too well here in Boston. So I find myself wondering if I could start working online at home as a creative writer. Hmmm......would anyone hire me? Instead of trying to look at job search engines, I have this great resource right here. Why not post online on my own fabulous website!? I might not have a degree in creative writing. But I never had one in real estate either and I worked in it for 5 years. I actually have my degree in molecular biology. Go figure.

If there is anyone out there who is looking for a creative writer for sales, or a newspaper or magazine, or anything at all, please don't hesitate to send me an email. And if any of you Diva fans out there know of any good leads for me, I would be much obliged. Samples of my monthly articles can be seen at http://advicediva.blogspot.com These articles appear in websites and magazines each month.

Thanks for the support!

She Got Pregnant With The Other Guy

2005-01-25T13:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My girl and I have been together for a while. At first she was so loving, it was great But as time went on she started lying. I mean I did act like a jerk and I admit it. I was an asshole a bunch of times. And I apolgized. Recently this guy moved in with her and her mom and he has a kid. To make a long story short, she has been cheating on me with this guy. Her Mom told me all about it and that she is playing me real smooth. Now she is pregnant. I thought it was mine but the time frame does not match, it is his. He is 20 and she is only 15.

Sincerely,

Problem Child

Dear Problem Child,

This girl is going down the wrong path hard.

First of all, call a police investigator and inform them about the statutory rape that has been going on. A 20 year old man got a 15 year old girl pregnant and he lives with her. Remain anonymous. This should get the guy out of the house and possibly in jail. It is not that I want to see his child fatherless, but he is destroying this young girl's life. She is 15 and pregnant!? Going down this road she will end up living in a trailer with five kids, by herself, and smoking crack. Who knows.

Second, stay away from this mess altogether. She is too young and you are only going to get hurt. She cheats on you, plays you and gets pregnant by another guy...at 15!! I was still playing with Barbie at 15! She is already going down the tubes, do you want to be dragged along with her? I am sure you don't want to end up on Jerry Springer.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

My Ex Doesn't Care

2005-01-24T17:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been having a bad break up with my girlfriend. To make matters worse, I had a gun pulled on me the other night. I got scared and in the moment of truth I ran. I decided to tell my ex about the situation and all she did was tell me that she is still mad at me but she was glad I was okay. She acted like she didn't even care. A few days after that she told me I was not allowed to call her anymore. I am freaking out!

Sincerely,

The Freak

Dear Freak,

You need to stay away from this girl. She feels very pushed away by you and that is what thaht means when she seems like she does not care about you at all. When someone acts this way, it means you have done something to push them away. It may not be one particular thing, but usually a combination of things. If you act too clingy or controlling, this can make a person flip and act like she could not care any less like you have described. She just wants you to leave her alone. So, you need to back off. You may have already pushed her completely over the edge. I am not sure. It sounds like you may be an over bearing person and this gun story was just an attempt to get her attention. You were so dismayed that it did not work, you even emailed me with the same story. I have had a guy act like this to me before. He drove me crazy.

Do not call or email her for at least one month. if she calls you or emails you during that time, you can still get her back. But if she does not, then you will need to move on because you will know that you have pushed her over the edge. Right now she needs her space so give it to her. you do not want to have to fight foe someone's affections. Right now you should be with someone who would nearly cry if you told them that someone just pulled a gun on you.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Ready for a Relationship

2005-01-20T15:40:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

Hi, I was in this three year unofficial relationship where I fell in love with this guy that was no good for me. I thought he was the one but I realized the fact that it was hard for him to demonstrate his emotions to me or be in a stable relationship and it was hurting me too much. I met someone that treated me much better over the summer however, I was uneasy into getting too close because I was hurt not too long before him. I was happy with this new person but since I seemed disinterested and lost in the past he got himself a girlfriend. They've been going out for a couple of months. We are still friends and he says we can't be close because he is scared of what might happen. What should I do?

Sincerely,

Ready for a Relationship

Dear Ready,

For now you need to let him be with this other girlfriend. You can not push him or try and break the new couple up. The last thing you ever want to be is the evil other woman. He is also happy with her (maybe) and he deserves to be happy. So if he truly is happy, let him be.

You were hurt before and let me tell you, it takes a long time to get over a bad relationship. A lot of woman put up an emotional barricade to protect themselves from getting hurt again after a bad relationship. This is completely normal and you should not feel bad about it. I have done the same thing in the past. The only thing that can help bring down this wall is time and also when you are finally ready for a real relationship. You were just not ready at the time when you started dating this man. But when he left, you began to realize that you did want a relationship. Sometimes this is a good thing, believe it or not. Because the next time an opportunity arises for happiness, you will be much quicker to accept it and begin a real relationship.

Start dating again and date some new people. Eventually you will find a great new guy that will sweep you off your feet and this time you won't be scared to let it happen.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I Broke Up With Her and I Want Her Back

2005-01-13T15:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I recently broke up with my girlfriend and I want her back again. The reason why I broke up with her was because I told her that I felt lack of attention from her. I mean our relationship was great at the beginning; she called me everyday to hang out or to watch a movie or to have dinner at her house but then as time passes by this kind of things faded away as her classes started and more work was coming along. Since she works full time and doing a masters degree, she told me she cares about me and she offered for perhaps a break instead of breaking up. I was the one who told her that she needs to focus more on her career and on her books, and because she needs to focus more on her books I know that we will not have much time together therefore the breakup. She was very emotional when I said that because I was not thinking for myself but I was thinking what was best for her so at the end we both agreed to have a breakup. However I felt really bad when I broke up with her that now I miss her. We have talked and made plans to hang out. She is being really sweet on the phone and then she told me that she was going to call me on Friday to see her availability on Saturday. But that never happened, I mean I am getting weird signals here… she sounds really nice when I called her but she forgets to call me back I mean we just broke up this week is it ok for her to be partying if she is partying or is it ok for her to not call me because she fell asleep? Should I take her back? I mean right now I am concerned of what her feelings are towards me.

Sincerely,

Mistake Maker

Dear Mistake Maker,

If you still wanted to be with her, you should not have broken up with her. She is single now and she is free to do whatever she wants. There very well be another man involved and you will have to accept that especially if you dumped her. It is absolutely fine for her to be partying right after you broke up with her. She actually should be doing exactly that, I would. And, yes, it is okay for her to fall asleep and not call you back. You released her from all obligations to you. She no longer has to do anything. I am sure you realize this but I feel the need to tell you anyways.

Another factor involved is the fact that you may only want her back because she is not begging for you to come back to her. If she did want you back and you guys got back together, you may decide that your first decision was the right one. You could just be a little confused because you are missing the attention she normally gives you. Have you thought about that at all?

Going to graduate school and working full time will do a number on her time situation. She must be absolutely exhausted all of the time. I would be. I am sure you fully understand her time constraints, but that really is not a good enough reason to end a loving relationship over. She is trying to make something of herself and the people and relationships which will be reawarded are the ones that stick by her through the tough times. If you really want her back and feel as if you have made a mistake, the only move you have to make is to tell her. Apologize and let her know that you made a mistake. You will need to throw your pride out the window and grovel for a little while.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

How To Get Over Your Ex

2005-01-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I'm just wondering how to get my ex out of my head. I know you wrote the book on how to get him back but I want to get my ex completely out of my head.Everytime I try not to talk to him he either calls me or I am thinking about him all of the time. I just don't know what to do, so I was wondering if you could help me.

Sincerely,

Mindbender

Dear Mindbender,

That is a good question. Although I would think many people would ask me this question, you are the first.

Your first problem is that he calls you. He is trying to stay in your life. You must sever all lines of communication because if you talk to him here and there, or hear from him somehow, he is obviously not getting out of your mind, is he? Do not answer any of his calls, do not listen to the messages he leaves, do not return his calls, do not answer his emails or text messges. Erase his phone number from your phone and remove his email from your email and IM list. Block him on your IM and block his emails as well. This will help to remove the tempation to call him, email him or worse.....drunk dial him.

Now, if he gets a little peeved that you have not called him back or when he gets an email saying that his email to you was blocked, he may try and practically hunt you down. You may have to tell him in one brief conversation or email (email is better) that you would like to sever all communications with him and tell him (don't ask him) to not contact you anymore. At least now he will know what is going on. If he keeps trying to contact you after that, ignore him. If he actually comes to your house, God forbid, do not answer the door as tempting as it may be. He will eventually stop his nonsense after a while.

Next, start dating. Date, date, date. Date as much as you can. Eventually you will meet someone who will take your mind off your ex. Wouldn't that be great!? You will always end up dating some toads, a few freaks and a complete wack job here and there. But every so often you will meet Mr. Fabulous and your world will be turned upside down. Do you remember how great it was when you first met your ex? That can and will happen again.

Of course you also need to do the basics. Work out at the gym, diet and focus on your body. The best fix for any kind of depression is keeping your body in shape. The more you exercise, the more your body will release those happy endorphins which will help you get out of any depressed state. Find time to hang out with the girls and if you feel the need to talk to "him", call a girlfriend instead. Pamper yourself with some shopping, new clothes, new shoes (a must for any woman in need), facials, manicures and massges. Start focusing on YOURSELF rather than him.

Finally, the best defense against a stubborn memory is time. It may take a while but you will still think of him from time to time and it may be a little while before you completely recover. Do not wory about this. Your fleeting dreams of him are completely normal and they will fade with each day that goes by. Just give it time.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Toe Stuck in Bowling Ball

2005-01-09T13:33:00.000-08:00

This email just came in. It is the strangest email I have ever received. I give it an A for the most creative problem ever. Although this is not a relationship problem, I thought I would share it. And as a reminder, if this is an emergency, get off the computer and dial 911.

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My girlfriend was playing with my bowling ball last night and got her right big toe stuck in the thumb hole. She had stockings on and I was teasing her about it wouldn't fit in the hole. Well, she pushed it in as hard as she could trying to prove me wrong. I guess with the stocking on and forcing it went all the way in the hole. When she tried to take it off it was stuck. I was laughing at first and thought it was funny watching her trying to get it off. When I tried to help her get it off I couldn't get it off. It was swollen and hurting her. We tried all night and today to get it off but it will not come off. I tried to call 911 or take her to the ER for help but she doesn't want anyone to see her like this. She said she is too embarrassed. She is a very pretty woman and vain. Now its been stuck for over 20 hours and she blames me because I was teasing her. I didn't stick her toe in the ball for her, I was just teasing her when she tried. It was her idea. But she is still mad at me. She refuses to let me call for help or take her to the ER. She is in bed right now asleep. Her toe is swollen bad and hurts to touch the ball and try to take it off. I have tried everything I can think of to get it off but it wont come off. Please do you have any ideas how to get it off or what to say to her to get her to let me take her to the ER. Plus she is mad at me. Please help

Sincerely,
Toe Jam

Dear Toe Jam,

This would constitute as an emergency. She is sleeping so call 911 now. You need to call 911 or take her to the hospital against her will because if the ball does not come off soon they WILL need to amputate since the tissue is no longer getting any blood or oxygen. They may have to amputate already.

If this is a joke, that's cool too. Got my attention.

If this is not a joke, I would have to assume you live in a trailer home, own five dogs and have a beat up chevy which has not run in years sitting out in front of your house buried under five foot tall grassweed.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Why Isn't He Calling?

2005-01-04T13:41:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been going out with my boyfriend for like 3 days and well we don't communicate that much. I called him almost every single day for the past week. He never picks up his cell phone. He told me to always leave a message, later on he would call back. To me it feels like he doesn't want to talk to me. I really want this relationship to work. What can I do to let him know that I love him but not too desperately into him. I need your help diva.

Sincerely,

New Girlfriend

Dear New Girlfriend,

You two have only been going out for three days? Three days is not a long time. You can not even technically call someone your boyfriend after three days. You guys are just in the dating stage. The worse thing you can do right now is constantly pester him and call him on the phone every chance you get. During the intial stages of dating, you need to show him that you are NOT a needy person. Stop calling him and stop worrying about him not answering. I am sure he is just a busy man and has a lot of work to do. Let him call you instead. Instead of answering every time as if you were waiting by the phone, call him back hours later or even the next day. Keep him on his toes. If you call him all of the time and then ask him why he is not answering right when you first start dating, chances are he will run away screaming. No one wants to start dating a needy person. It shows up as a red flag. So just calm down and give it a rest. If you pull back that attention just a little, he will start chasing you.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Should I Leave Her Alone?

2005-01-02T18:49:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I had a friend/type of girlfriend relationship with this great girl and I want her back. In the beginning the girl would show me a lot of caring, love, and even travel 45 minutes to come see me at my home or work. I then lied about my age and which I then told the truth after but she was all upset about it, so we didn't talk for a couple of days but stayed as friends and then when we met up we got back into kissing and wanting to be around each other but then she started to say to me there's something inside her telling her I'm not the guy for her! But I advised her that there's only really one way to know that is to give us sometime together. I also said I won't give up on her. We would talk five to six times per day and we would always have something to talk about. But as we progressed she said that feeling has not left and I was angry inside but I let her be and she said she wanted time to herself to think about it, pray and meditate. In two days she calls me and wants talk about Christmas songs so we started talking again and when we met up again we started kissing and going to movies. I then went to a seminar and I got to learn something's about myself and i was fed up with the whole "I don't know if your the guy for me" so I was trying to get rid of her at the same time wanting her so bad inside but she said she could not keep it up with me if she hasn't felt it now she thinks shell never feel it and she extremly likes me alot but don't think its going to work, I then got really angry and I said I don't have time for this and I'm going to sleep. It has been ten days since we haven't spoken and I miss her a lot what should I do? Should I call her, leave her be?

Sincerely,

Confused and Lonely

Dear Confused and Lonely,

Sweetheart, you deserve better treatment. Leave her alone! She does not deserve your attention. She is treating you like a yo-yo, reeling you back in and then throwing you back out. Why should you put up with this? She is only hanging out with you when it is convenient (both physcially and emotionally) for her. She shows you one incredible side of her whioch is the side that you have fallen in love with. Most likely, this is her real side. But then she pushes you away again. This is symbolic of her not being ready for a serious committment. There is nothing you can do to make her ready, except to show her how much she will miss you when you are gone. Stop calling her and emailing her. Leave her alone completely and wait for her to contact you, she will. When she does, do not answer the phone or answer her at all. I tell you this because you WILL be reeled back in and you can not have that. Be good to yourself and stop falling for her bullshit. Find someone who is available. You deserve a much better person.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

I liked him until I started dating him.

2005-01-01T10:32:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have a question. Is it normal to like someone a lot and then have those feelings change immediately after going out with them? It's not that I dont like him anymore or anything, but for some reason it feels totally different, as in feelings. Does this happen often? Is that normal? We have been together for about 2 days now, before we started going out we were really good friends and flirted all the time. He wasn't quite ready for a girlfriend and I wasn't quite ready for a boyfriend, because I had recently had my heart broken. We slowly began to like each other more and more and got over our exs. Then one day, he got the guts to ask me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. I think that the main reason i'm feeling different is maybe because hes trying to speed up our relationship really fast. Could that be the reason why I could be feeling different? Because he is speeding things up? If so, then how can I get those feelings to go away and feel awesome about our relationship?

Dear Melissa,

You can not just get feelings to go away. This kind of scenario happens often. I have had it happen to me as well. It is sort of like watching a movie. When you watch the movie you get all drawn into the movie until the climax or pinnacle of the movie. Then, suddenly, the excitement is over. Sometimes, we meet a guy and we become deeply enthralled. We wonder what it would be like to date this man and kiss him. The daydreams lead the a constant state of excitement and hopefullness. Then, suddenly, you have what you have desired. That man is yours and all of the sudden, you don't want him anymore. It was almost as if the chase was better than the catch. When this happens, you know you just were not meant to be together. I am sorry! But you can't force love. Don't worry, you are still very young and you have many years of good dating left to go.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

New Years Eve

2004-12-31T13:23:00.000-08:00

From the Diva to All -
Have a wonderful New Year's Eve. Take care and be safe.

The Cuckold

2004-12-25T23:03:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been married for 24 years and cucked for ten. She started dating a few years after I had a motorcycle accident that left me paraplegic and unable to get an erection. I've since found sites that describe what I am..... a CUCK. My wife understands that I enjoy her having sex with other men and getting to clean her orally when she returns home. The problem is that she does not want me to watch her having sex. I do get to listen to her when she is home. I usually stay in bed after she gets home with her date and they play in the living room. Hearing her moans turn me on greatly. And waiting for her to come to bed to feed me is truly a great turn-on to me. Do you think that there is a chance that I could watch her with these men? If so how? I've asked her but she tells me that she is too shy.

Sincerely,

The Cuckold,
Huntington, West Virginia

Dear Cuckold,

Very interesting. I enjoyed your "matter of fact" way of relating your unusual problem. For the readers who do not knows what a “cuck” is, it comes from the word “Cuckold”. By definition, a cuckold used to be what a man was referred to as when he had a cheating wife. Nowadays, a cuck refers to a man who is sexually aroused by having his wife enter the beds of other men.

There are many couples that enjoy this sort of sexual behavior. However, there is one big difference. Most men who enjoy being the cuck, and the women who indulge in this behavior, do so out of choice. But in your situation, you and your wife have come to this arrangement out of necessity. She needs and/or desires sexual satisfaction and you need to feel as if you are satisfying her. You also desire that closeness that sexual intimacy creates and therefore you find being a cuckold fulfills your duty.

It is obvious that your sexual choice is stimulating to you. You enjoy being the cuckold, you find it stimulating and you enjoy keeping your wife happy. I applaud you for being able to find news ways to keep your sex life alive with your wife. Many men in your position would not have been able to deal with this situation because most men, even if they found themselves paralyzed, would never be able to allow their wifes to be intimate with another man. But to you, her satisfaction is arousing.

The thing I would worry about is that her comfort with this situation may not be as high as yours. That is why she has been unable to let you watch. She might never have let you be a cuckhold if your accident did not leave you paralyzed and that is something you should think about. However, she is still going out there and having sexual relations with other men so she is obviously not too uncomfortable with it.

With any kind of sexual issue the worse thing you can do is pressure someone into doing what you want. It is fine to bring up your desires but leave it alone after that especially if she feels a little uncomfortable. No pressure. Pressure causes a person to do the exact opposite in a relationship. It can even cause resentment and a lack of sexual desire. Always be nice about it when you bring up the issue and tell her it would make you very happy if she did this for you. Let her know that she can do it whenever she feels comfortable. Tell her to have a few drinks with the guy and if she feels comfortable, take him home for you. Now, the next time this happens, she probably will not bring him home anytime soon but do NOT make her feel bad about it. Do not ask her why she did not bring him home or tell her that it bothered you that she did not bring him home. This would be nagging and you do not want to nag her about it at all. Do not bring up the issue at all after she comes home. Just ask her again the next time. Simply smile, be very sweet and nicely tell her you would love it if she brought the lover back home each time before she leaves for her rendezvous.

It may take a while but your must let HER build up to it. You must let it be her decision, that is the only way she will comply with your wish. This is why you can not nag her about it or pressure her into it. Eventually, she will try and give you what you want. And once she does it the first time, she will be much more comfortable with the situation and will more easily give in to your desires.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Holiday Blues

2004-12-20T21:35:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I have been living in a different state from where I grew up for the past five years. I have some great friends here and I am generally a happy woman. But I just can not help but feel some holiday blues. I am single having just recently broken up with my last boyfriend. He was not the “one” so I am not sad about that, I am just a little lonely. All of my friends will be going home for Christmas, and I do not want to ask anyone to take me home with them. I was not able to fly home this year. So for Christmas, I will be all alone. I feel like such a loser! Sitting at home, by myself, watching TV on Christmas day! I can’t help but feel some self pity and I am getting very emotional.

Sincerely,

Holiday Blues,
Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

Dear Holiday Blues,

I think many of us have been in your shoes. I know I surely have. I moved to Houston after college with my ex and after we separated, I stayed in Houston instead of moving home. Most of my family was back home in New England and here I was, far away in Texas. Normally, I would go home for the holidays but every once in a while I was forced to stay in Texas. Even when you can surround yourself with tons of good friends, you still feel lonely without family. So I do know how you feel.

Hopefully, your friends will ask you how you are spending the holidays and when they find out that you will be alone, one of them will ask you to join. However, that could make you still feel a little sad because he or she only invited you because you do not have anywhere else to go. Although that is not entirely the case, your friends would love to have you be with them for the holidays, you still will not be able to feel even more self pity.

So I will tell you what you should do which will be an amazing fix for your problem. You need to find out where children are who need help this year and go see them. Do you know how many children are out there, living in foster homes and such, who have never even known what the comfort of family even feels like? Or visit a homeless shelter and volunteer for serving the Christmas dinner. Spend the day at a nursing home where forgotten elderly people are spending the day alone because their families were too busy to bring them home. There are so many places you can go where volunteers for Christmas Day will be sorely needed.

By doing this, instead of feeling lonely for Christmas, you will feel needed. You are needed. It will make you feel so good about yourself that you went out and did something completely unselfish to help other people battle loneliness and disparity on Christmas Day. Your Holiday Blues will be lifted. You will undoubtedly make at least one person smile, and that is the best gift you can give yourself. And how about when people ask you what you are doing for Christmas? The response you will get when you tell people what you will be doing will be pure astonishment. Everyone will see you in a new light.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

The X Factor

2004-12-15T11:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and a half. I love him very much. However, I am confused by a serious of events, or information I stumbled upon. He has spent a generous amount of time trying to locate his ex. This is a girl he dated many years ago, six to be exact. He hasn't had any contact with her in over six years. Friends have run into her here and there, but no sightings in the past 2-3 years. I've been told that he has been digging and asking around about where she is, etc. He has also been asking if anyone has her email. I can't ask him about it because I'm not supposed to know. I'm very confused. Why does he feel the need to contact her? He is very sweet to me and repeatedly tells me that I'm the one he wants to spend the rest of his life with. What is the investigation about, more so, what if he finds her; is going to cheat on me? He never has cheated on me to my knowledge, maybe I'm missing something? I don't have any desire to contact any of my exes, I consider them closed doors. However my knowledge of his persistence on finding his ex, really makes me want to contact a recent ex, but I think it's more of a 'getting even' than true desire.

Sincerely,

The X-Factor,
Schererville, Indiana

Dear X-Factor,

Although I love gossip and I am one that loves hearing that dirty laundry (as if this website did not portray this well enough), it is something that can be very harmful to the strongest of relationships. You say that someone has informed you that he has been trying to find out about his ex. I would think closely about this person who told you this tidbit of information. Is it a guy that would love to break you up so that he could be with you? Is it a guy that is jealous of your boyfriend and would do anything to harm his relationships just to see him hurt? Is it a woman who wants to break you up so that she can get with your man?

There are many people who use gossip as a way of undermining relationships because of their ulterior motives. I have come across many people like this. Sometimes, you would never know it. They can be very good actresses and actors. You might normally think they are the sweetest people in the world. Unbeknownst to you they have a dark and devilish side. There was a woman once who acted as if she was my best friend. The entire time she was getting close to me, she was also getting close to my ex. This woman was also married. Before I knew what was going on, she divorced her husband and began digging her little claws into my ex. She was his secretary of all things. Thankfully, her attempts to destroy our relationship only backfired and she was the one left alone without a husband, without a lover and with one less friend.

Most likely he heard his ex-girlfriend's name and became curious. This is very normal especially after a long period of no contact. He may have asked around about her once or twice just out of curiosity. Perhaps even this person that told you is the one that got him started on his curious streak. Although, I have to admit, it would bother me as well if I heard about it. You are completely normal to feel a little threatened by his inquisitive nature especially when he has not told you about it.

You will not be able to bottle up your feelings about this for long. A real relationship demands honesty on both sides. So if you feel upset about something, you need to let him know what is bothering you. I would have a sit down talk with him and very gently tell him that someone has told you that he has been searching for his ex. Let him know that you were told in confidence and because you are an honorable woman, you can not break that trust and divulge his/her name. He should be able to understand. Let him know that this is bothering you because you feel that his desire to find out about his ex is too strong and you feel that it is harmful to your relationship. You also felt hurt because he did not tell you about it. You will be leaving yourself vulnerable when you have this discussion because your feelings will be out there and open on the table. He could just turn around, get angry and smash your feelings to pieces. There is always that chance so be prepared.

The point is, you must get this off your chest and open up to him. That is the only way you will be able to feel better about the situation. If you do not, the worrying will cause you great anxiety causing even more damage to the relationship. Also, do not contact an ex out of spite. Never ever do anything in a relationship out of spite. It will only cause more problems down the road.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Suspecting Snooper

2004-12-10T11:26:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I am in a three year relationship with an older man. I had a feeling and checked my man’s text messages on his cell phone. Sure enough there were some more then friendly messages to his so-called “female friend from college”. He was saying how he thinks about her and so on! Now I am mad and want to flip but I don’t want to look like a snooper! Should I just leave him alone and make up a reason or tell him what I found? He obliviously is not the one! And we have been talking about marriage lately!! Help me, I want to handle this in a Diva way! Thank you.

Sincerely,

The Suspecting Snooper,
New York, New York

Dear Suspecting Snooper,

What I have learned in these types of scenarios is to NEVER jump to conclusions.

Before I get into that, I should also inform you that snooping never helps a relationship. Actually, snooping is very bad. Usually, you will always find something you do not like. And it could be completely innocent. But because you are riled up and intent on finding bad news, it become easy to let better judgment get skewed and you see things in an irrational way. The reason why we snoop is usually because of two reasons:

1) You subconsciously or quite consciously know you are in a bad relationship and are looking for an easy way out. If you find evidence that he has been cheating or dishonest, you have a created a reason which can be blamed on him for the easy way out. This keeps us in the good light. This is actually the coward's way out. We should all be able to break up with our significant other based on our own feelings instead of looking for something to blame on him.

2) You are looking for positive reaffirmation that you are the one he wants to be with. If you find something that may challenge the relationship in any way, you have created a situation that calls for him to apologize and make it up to you. This is sort of a passive aggressive technique for attention.

In the end snooping will always cause more problems. Eventually you will find something you do not like and then you will have to bring it up to him. It is too hard to hold inside. He will ask how you found out and it will be understood that you were snooping. Snooping is the same thing as spying and it is just as egregious as lying. He will begin to trust you less and less and then there goes the relationship. With any relationship, there needs to be trust.

However, if you do snoop and find out for sure that he has been a dirty cheating son-of-a-bitch, dump his ass on the corner where it belongs and never look back.

With regards to the text messages you found, you did not say that it was anything more that the fact that he was thinking about her. But I might have misunderstood, it could have been worse than that. Okay, there are thousands of innocent reasons why he could have been thinking about her. This is why you can not jump to conclusions. When you find something like this, and it is completely innocent, your mind starts to build on the scenario. You imagine all sorts of horrible things and it get worse and worse. Pretty soon, in your head, they are having an affair when the fact is, it could have been something as simple as the fact that he was thinking about her because it was her birthday and she is a good friend of his. Conversely, there could be something going on as well and now that you already have this information in your head, you are going to have to say something before you explode.

Just do not immediately accuse. When you do approach him about the problem, be very sweet and all smiles, yet remain composed and be firm and decisive. If he acts evasive or tries to blame you immediately, he is hiding something and is probably being dishonest. If he stutters and tries to think of a plausible excuse or reason, again he is hiding something. If he comes up with a logical explanation very quickly, he is probably telling the truth. If he is cheating, break up with him cleanly and swiftly. You deserve better in your life. If you think he is being honest, apologize for snooping and then make it up to him.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Silk Panties

2004-12-05T11:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

My husband and I have been married for a little over five months now and it is so awesome. Both of us have had previous marriages that were a disaster at best. We have been together a little over a year now and I have a question I need to ask someone about. He often likes to wear my panties. He is not gay and he is not weird in anyway but I feel strange about it. It is kind of cool in a way. He says he likes the way they feel and it makes him feel closer to me. I just wanted your thoughts, outlooks or whatever on this.

Sincerely,

Silk Panties,
Fort Gibson, Oklahoma

Dear Silk Panties,

Actually, a guy that gets turned on by wearing women's panties is normally the furthest thing from "gay". Believe it or not. This is a quite common fantasy that very masculine men indulge in. The only problem that can result from this kind of fetish comes from the lack of understanding why this fetish turns them on. The female partner starts to assume that he is gay or that something could be very wrong with him. The man, himself, thinks he could be a freak or have some latent homo-sexual tendencies. The fact that he can tell you he likes to wear your panties is a good thing. He trusts you with his fantasy and he is secure with himself.

The logic behind this fantasy is due to the guilt he feels being masculine. To fully understand where fantasies are derived you must understand that it is impossible to get sexually aroused while feeling any kind of guilt or anxiety. So, people make up different scenarios and have different fantasies that alleviate this guilt. With the man who wear panties, he usually feel very guilty about his masculinity, probably towards his mother. He may have even grown up with a very weak father. He feels that his masculinity overpowers women and in a very bad way. By wearing panties, he can "identify with the victim" and he feels better about himself. Then he can remain masculine and get aroused in a masculine way (an erection).

This may be hard for you to fully understand so what you should do is think about your own fantasies. What is it that turns you on? Next, think about what kind of guilt or anxiety this might be alleviating. I would also suggest buying the book "Arousal" by Dr. Michael Bader.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca

Confessed Cheater

2004-12-01T15:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Diva Rebecca,

I'm a 28 year old that just lost his girl. I been with her for two years and she is the best thing that has happened in my life. She doesn’t drink at all or smoke... and my friends all tell me that she is the one. Anyway, we broke up in March because she found some pornographic video tapes of me and my ex. She also knows I was with her at the time because of the clothes I wore in the video. Anyway, she took me back a month ago, and two weeks later she caught my ex hiding in my house when she came by. I know I'm stupid, but my ex just wanted to come over to say good bye due to her moving to another state. The thing is, my ex changed into a dress making it look like we had done something. What should I do? I really want my girl back. She doesn’t believe my story. I don’t blame her though, but that is what really happened.

Sincerely,

Confessed Cheater,
Cooperstown, North Dakota

Dear Confessed Cheater,

I would not have believed you either. In fact, I don't believe you now.

Thank you for your honesty. It helps with assessing the problem. I don't want to completely bash you, but what were you thinking? You have already cheated on her once with your ex, and then you made a video of your transgression. Did you want to get caught? You even left the video around in your own home for your girlfriend to find. I can not honestly believe that you truly love your girlfriend if you sleep with your exes and are so bold to make video of it. The fact that you want to immortalize your affairs on tape means that you enjoy having affairs and you think that nothing is wrong with them. When most people cheat on their beloved, they recognize their heinous mistake and they usually make all efforts to cover it up. They will discard telltale clothing, erase phone numbers and emails from their phones and computers and want nothing to do with that other person. You, on the other hand, are keeping mementos. This tells me that you find your affair to be completely normal and you are okay with them. You know that cheating is wrong, but you do not really care.

And then she caught you again with the same ex in your house changing clothes and, most suspiciously, hiding. Tell me, if there was nothing going on, why did you stash your ex away in attempts to hide her from your girlfriend? If there was nothing going on, and everything was innocent, you would not have tried to hide her. And why would he be changing at your house? True, there may have actually been nothing going on, but that fact that you are a cheater tells me that there was.

Most people that cheat usually do so all of the time. Your girlfriend probably assumes that you have cheated before on numerous occasions. I would suspect so as well. You may have had affairs before and maybe not. Either way, it may be because you are not satisfied enough with your current girlfriend. Something could be emotionally or physically lacking in your relationship leading to your infidelity. That being the case, maybe you should move onto another woman or start dating again altogether. There should be a woman out there for you who will whoop your butt into shape. Someone out there will be able to harness all of your attention and you would never even dream of cheating.

Right now, your girlfriend is suffering from a hurt ego. She has been slapped in the face by your lack of dedication. The only thing you can do at this moment is beg and plead. There are a number of things that couldn't hurt and will help the situation, but they will be hard to do. It really depends on how much you love her and how willing you are to get her back. She feels slighted by this other woman. The one thing that she would love right now is for you to show her the utmost love and devotion IN FRONT of your ex-girlfriend. There are a number of ways you could do this. For example, you could have a three way telephone conversation where you tell your ex to leave you alone because you are in love with your girlfriend. I know, how embarrassing. But your girlfriend needs to hear it. She needs to hear you proclaim your love for her by shouting it from the mountaintops. She needs to know how upset you are, how sorry you are and, of course, how miserable you are. Send her flowers, cards and candy. Let her know that you are the only thing that matters to you. Throw your pride out the window and grovel. It is going to take a while, but she is going to have to build up her trust again so give it time.

And the next time you think about cheating, stop right there. She will always find out, sooner or later.

Sincerely,

Diva Rebecca